I’m having a little bit of deja-vu here. This is the first time this season I’m writing a blog about one episode! It just happened to work out that way, and I’m thrilled. Especially about FINALE NIGHT! Okay, so first impression of the holier-than-thou jury: who cut Chelsia’s hair? She looks like a chubby, 12-year-old boy. Not a good look for her. At all. In any capacity. Ever. Ick. Moving on! I hate Joshuah, but he was probably right when he said Sheila couldn’t get herself out of a wet paper bag. She was a really crummy competitor, wasn’t she? And she hated it when people made inferences that her HOH was given to her, but homegirl is in some serious denial if she thinks she could have won that on her own. And I wonder who in production let Sheila know that Adam threw Part 3 of the HOH, because when she was talking to Julie, she loved Adam, and suddenly, when she entered the Jury house, he’d screwed her over. Long story medium length, Sheiluhh, yew know what? Yew arrr sutch a frickin’ hypocrIT. Okay? Awlright?

The discussion that the jury has before questioning the final two is always so pathetic. They all sit around, pissed off, and come up with the most ridiculous things to say to make themselves look good and the final two bad. Without a doubt, every single jury member believes they were robbed, and that they played a better game than the remaining houseguests. They may say something along the lines of, “well, it got him/her to the final two,” but don’t be fooled. They don’t actually believe either of those people played a good game. They just say phrases like that to make us think they aren’t bitter. But they are. Sweet Jesus, they are… I think the most annoying argument was Sheila’s: Ryan was straight up but Adam never told anyone where he stood. I swear to God none of these people understand the concept of a game. If you want plans to go forward, you don’t announce them to the world. That gives people time to flip said plans upside down. And if I remember correctly, Sheila spent the majority of her HOH week telling Natalie that she was safe, and then trashing her and planning her demise with the rest of the house. But I guess lying is okay if Sheila does it.

Name one thing that’s more pathetic than the jury’s self-centered debate: the jury’s Q&A with the final two! My God, as if they couldn’t get anymore pretentious, let’s give them the tiniest speck of power in the form of an interrogation. But I have to give Matt props for his attitude basically the entire time. He didn’t sit there trashing the final two, and he didn’t ask them some ridiculous question that neither of them should even give him the pleasure of answering. He gave them credit for making it to the final two, and he asked a really great question (for Adam, at least): What are you going to do with the money? Well, Adam’s going to be a Saint. He’s going to saint school. That’s a pretty tough act to follow, but Ryan gave it his best. “I’ll spend a little on charity.” Oh, really? You’re not going to saint school, too? Ryan should’ve just lied. He should’ve been like, “I’m going to donate every penny to Autism. So, if my math is correct, that’s $400,000 more than Adam is.” I mean, what other option did he have? I guess he could donate it to retards. Just kidding.

I thought Chelsia’s question was just stupid. I wonder how she decided on asking it. It must have come down to that and “Do you think I should keep my hair like this or go for the buzz cut?” To which Ryan would have sincerely answered, “I can see your balls.” Okay, this blog is getting entirely too lewd. I’ll take it down a notch. Testicles. I had to laugh a little bit when Sheila told Adam that she carried him at times. Really? You did? It was convenient that she didn’t give an example, because I really would’ve liked one. Was it that time you won HOH, Sheila? That one time? Okay. I don’t care what the jurors thought, I liked Adam’s one liner “it’s over for you guys, it’s not over for us.” Then Chelsia, that tranny, said, “We decide which one gets the money.” Welp, ya voted for him. But it’s nice that you think you’re powerful and tough. And a woman.

I enjoyed the little catfight between Jen and Allison. I dislike both of them, so it was hard to pick sides, but Jen had a pretty good argument. Allison was a little fatal attraction with Ryan. “Ryan belongs with someone like me, not Jen.” Although, Jen did call Ryan racist. I just don’t know who to like! I’ll agree to dislike both of them. I also liked the little reveal of Adam telling Natalie he voted for her. His response was kind of cute; “He knew, come on.” It was more funny than shocking. And the reasons some of the jurors come up with to vote for people crack me up. Joshuah voted for someone with a backbone (okay, Josh) and Sharon voted for the most loyal of the two (can you say obsessed?). To be honest, I can’t even remember what the other jurors said. I was probably throwing up or something. All I know is, the jury chose saint school over Jen. I would’ve been happier with either of the two guys winning, but it’s nice to know the money’s going to a good cause. Adam can just create a job for himself. Shit, he just won Big Brother!

The final blog will be…

1. Awesome.

2. Wednesday :-\ (Cut me a break, it’s the last week of classes?)

Good morning, bloggers! It’s Phew Day. We all get to lead normal lives, free of live feeds, updates, and message boards. If you so choose, of course. I will, however, be posting a blog later this evening, but for now, I’m off to six hours of classes. Pray for me. Oh yeah, BIG BALLAH IN DA HOUSE!

First of all, the houseguests need to come up with something other than “blood on [me, his, her] hands” to describe what they do every week. Second of all, I’m so glad they put blood on Sheila’s hands. No, really. I was kind of annoyed by her sense of entitlement to not have to evict Natalie herself. She talked a whole lot of trash behind her back, but for some reason didn’t have the courage to stand up and say, “I’ll evict her myself.” So, I’m glad Ryan and Adam split the votes. The HOH shouldn’t get away scot free. I am annoyed, however, that Adam told Natalie he voted for her. It’s final four and you’re gonna put your game in jeopardy by not only telling this girl you voted to keep her, but doing it while you’re facing Ryan? Then lying about it later? How stupid.

I really didn’t like the luxury competition this week. I was getting a headache at the thought of having all of those bottles breaking on my head. Although, I just noticed that they were wearing helmets. Which makes me feel a little bit better. But what’s with the Vegas theme? And has Big Brother ever had two luxury comps that involved movies? Might I add that Sheila really oversteps her bounds with Adam? She expects him to have her back, but she’s rarely nice to him. For example, and just in Sunday’s episode, she complained when Sharon chose Ryan for the luxury comp, she stormed off when she and Adam lost, therefore ensuring they would be handcuffed together, she complained the entire time they were handcuffed, and then complained some more when Julie Chen asked her about the experience. I honestly don’t know why Adam still puts up with her. I would’ve evicted her weeks ago. And why was Sheila sleeping in her underwear with Adam? She wouldn’t even look at him in his underwear. Understandably so, but if she was so disgusted by being shackled to him, why wouldn’t she cover herself when being forced to sleep next to him? I’m starting to wonder if Big Brother is pulling a fast one and they really are married. Hmmm…

Has anyone else noticed Big Brother’s lack of creative with competitions this season? Especially toward the end, I’m seeing a ton of repeats. In particular, the power of veto competition. I specifically remember Daniele Donato winning this one, and running around the entire backyard before finding Evel Dick’s little partition. By the way, I literally had to turn my volume down during the POV comp when Sharon was commentating in the diary room. Her voice is so loud! Why does she feel the need to yell all the time? And can I also comment on Big Brother’s background music that they use in high-pressure situations and last-minute scheming? It sounds like it should be playing in, like, The Mask of Zoro. I digress… I didn’t find watching this comp very stressful, since I didn’t feel Adam was really in jeopardy, but I was still thrilled to see Ryan win. Sorry, but I’m rooting for the bros. Not the hoes. Ha ha ha.

I love Ryan and everything, but he is the biggest hypocrite Big Brother has ever seen. He thinks all of his allies need to be 100% committed to him, but he can make any alliance he deems necessary to his game. The ironic thing is, he never gets caught, and it never bites him in the butt. He must have done some really good things in his past life. Anyway, I thought it was pretty stupid for Adam to just jump up and offer Sharon an F2 deal, and I think he realized it as soon as she hesitated to accept it. I think it was equally stupid for her to tell Ryan and then Ryan to call Adam out. Luckily for Ryan and Sharon, Adam’s too stupid to call Ryan out on his deal with her. Why else would Sharon tell Ryan he offered her F2? That would have been the perfect opportunity for Adam to say, “Whoa. Why would she tell you that? You two obviously have something going on.” Instead, Ryan gets to walk all over everyone some more without any repercussions. Luckiest. Houseguest. Ever.

Why didn’t we get to see Natalie’s arrival at the jury house? It must have been filled with obscenities, and they couldn’t afford all of the bleeping and blurring. Jerry Springer and Cheaters must be very well-funded. But seriously, I missed Tuesday’s episode, so I assumed that was when they aired her arrival, but I just watched the entire episode and no such luck. Obviously something crazy happened in order for CBS not to show it, because that’s a recipe for good TV. If only we knew… I’m sure a jury member will tell someone in an interview soon enough. On the subject, though, I’m actually pretty surprised that Matt isn’t being nice to Natalie. I’d have thought living with Chelsia, Joshuah, and James would make anyone love Natalie. Apparently I was wrong. I was pleased, however, to see James’ reaction to Sharon entering the house. But what was with Matt saying, “Team Matty Wins!” Team Matty? How does he figure…?

Ryan and Adam were pretty harsh during the “Up A Creek” competition. I mean, you gotta do what ya gotta do to win, but I would’ve been pissed if I were Sheila. But I don’t think my arms would’ve been my main concern during the competition, but my legs. I’ve been in a kneeling kayak before, and after about 15 minutes, your legs are numbs and your knees are killing you. So I have to give Sheila credit for lasting 36 minutes. I didn’t understand the second part of the HOH competition at all. So I have to give Sheila and Adam mad props for finishing it at all. If I were in that house, I’d be the houseguest that was always stopping in the middle and saying, “Can I hear the directions again?” I am so bad at listening and paying attention to directions, it’s ridiculous. My Chemistry teacher hates me, because I can’t finish a lab without asking him at least one questions for each step. I was definitly thrilled that Sheila had no chance at winning HOH. I wish that would have happened last season! It would have reduced my stress bueno. Although, I was still a little bit stressed that Adam would win and take Sheila. I just don’t know how to read that guy. Thankfully, Ryan won and I didn’t have to ever find out what Adam would have done. I felt bad for Sheila, but I’ve never seen someone cry so much without shedding any tears. When she was talking to Julie, it was like she just had a really annoying voice. I’m going to take this moment to thank God I don’t have to watch Sheila in that house anymore.

My favorite read, Hamsterwatch, has an “Extracurricular” tally on their sidebar, which has an official count of makeout sessions, naked pool parties, and a few other interesting developments…

A little bit of truth to lighten your day.

It was nice how CBS tried to make it look like Sharon really gave the HOH comp a shot. In actuality, she was up there, what, ten minutes? Officially the worst competitor in Big Brother history. All points aside, I’m just happy I don’t have to worry about her winning. When I play out scenarios in my head, I immediately eliminate Sharon from the running in any competition. It’s makes simplifying my equations a lot easier. Sheila’s one of those annoying, rare exceptions, though. It’s like silver (Sheila). Almost always insoluble (competition loser), except when paired with nitrate (people who will throw it to her). Forgive me, for everything relates to Chemistry this semester. Ryan and Sheila actually did a pretty good job convincing Natalie to throw the competition, but who can’t dissolve sodium in water (dupe Natalie)? I have to say, Sharon really could have screwed things up for them, though. Natalie should have known better than to drop once Sharon started encouraging her to “just give it to Sheila.” If I were Natalie, I would’ve taken a moment and said, “Ya know what? That concerns me, so I’m staying up here for the long-haul.” Unfortunately, the list of Natalie’s fortés is only so long.

I have issues with hypocrisy in the Big Brother house just about every season, but Big Brother 9 has been just about un-”frickin”-believable. This week in particular. I can’t put my finger on what the catalyst was for this witch hunt, but a jury of wolves persecuted their own kind. What exactly was it that suddenly “opened everyones’ eyes” to one person’s double-dealing? Sure, Natalie promised loyalty to two different groups, but at least she has the balls to admit it. Ryan, who currently holds the record for most alliances ever, is currently juggling four final-two agreements, and has had more “secret alliances” than anyone that’s lived in that house. Adam has some inexplicable loyalty to Sharon, because he hit it off with Jacob. Or so the story goes. Sharon’s promised her loyalty to both Ryan and Sheila. But the cherry on this scrumptious sundae belongs to Sheila. Natalie’s older twin. Who also belonged to “Team Christ” and also belonged to “Girl Power.” Sheila had an advantage, though. She was HOH. Sheila is the Holy Priest in Salem, and you don’t persecute the Holy Priest. Until, of course, a new Priest takes over (Ryan).

As a viewer, I thought the power of veto competition was actually very difficult. I didn’t understand it at all. I think I probably would’ve been disqualified for throwing a remote at the TV. It’s happened in the past, so I’m just thinking… I love how if you watch enough reality TV, you can predict anything and everything just by editing and diary rooms/confessionals. Executives need a new routine, because it’s become far too obvious–for me, at least. When someone is in the Diary Room and says, “The reason why I took so long,” it’s fairly clear they didn’t win the competition. Also, when someone is in the Diary Room and they say, “When I saw so-and-so, I was sure they’d won,” it pretty much confirms that “so-and-so” came close, but didn’t win. I think the Most Predictable Elimination Show award goes to Rock of Love, but that’s an entirely different blog (www.rockoflovebash.gov.www\rockoflovebash). Anyway, my entire point was, I knew Adam was going to win right from the moment he began explaining how genius his organizational plan was in the Diary Room. No one boasts their strategy after losing. I wanted Natalie to win, but I was just happy it wasn’t Sharon.

The surprise party was nice and all, but Big Brother really should have given them a heads-up. Like, right before the HOH. That way no one would’ve given Sheila the HOH so she could “see her son.” Right. Last time someone claimed they wanted HOH for the pictures, they screwed over KAYSAR. Do these people not watch the show they’re on? I can’t understand that. Who goes on a reality show they’ve never even seen? “Oh, we’re going to be living in an island? I did not sign up for this!” I digress… I remember a couple seasons ago–in fact, I believe it was only two seasons ago. Big Brother All Stars. They celebrated Boogie’s birthday, and there was this whole controversy over the fact that they couldn’t sing “Happy Birthday.” And Big Brother finally agreed that they could sing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow.” Which I noticed they sang to Sheila. Is there some sort of copyright on “Happy Birthday?” Because that’s a pretty simple song. Did Bob Dylan write it or something? Someone explain this to me. I felt really bad for Sheila’s mom when Sheila said, “That’s why I am the way I am. Because of my mother.” Damn, Sheila. Don’t make her feel like shit. She’s trying to reconcile, not destruct.

I had déjà vu when Hil–sorry–Adam referred to Natalie as Judas. Didn’t a certain presidential candidate refer to a certain governor as Judas when that certain governor endorsed the better presidential candidate? Ah, the lengths we’ll reach. I felt really bad for Natalie when they called that house meeting, but I don’t think she realized the good it could have done her. Had she kept her cool, came to the meeting, and told the entire truth, it could’ve saved her ass. Instead, she made herself look guilty by avoiding them. Still, I think Adam and Ryan seriously need to cool it. I know it feels great having so much power, but there comes a point when you need to stop flaunting it. It makes no one happy when you play Judgement Day. And what was the Bible about? Were they going to make her swear on it? What is wrong with this house? Everytime they want a matter settled, they whip out the Bible and make someone swear on it. This isn’t court. These aren’t the pearly gates. Just…be normal. That’s all I ask for the next week and a half. Be normal people.

Could Matty have asked for a bigger or better Birthday present? Delectable! An evicted James and a crying Chelsia! Could life get any better? I submit that it could not! I guess when Chelsia told her allies to “blow this house up,” they took it in another direction. So, let’s reflect. James believes Chelsia’s parting words are what did him in. He’s completely delusional, but if it makes Chelsia cry, I’ll agree that the sky is purple. That was just, like, perfection. It’s one of those rare, special moments that you think about for a few days. And you turn your head slightly to the left, tilt it upward, stare into the sky, and smile. Afterall, everytime Chelsia cries, an angel gets its wings. I actually thought it was kind of dramatic that she started crying. I even pondered the thought that it was all set-up. But I don’t think either of them are clever or stupid enough to pull that off and make their haters happy. They’re C students. You don’t expect much outta them.

I was pretty sure Natalie expected to get evicted, so her surprise definitly came as a surprise to me. Did you understand that sentence? Did I place the italics on all of the right words? Try to imagine me saying that word. It’s like a kindergarten teacher trying to explain something to a six year old. From Ghana. Once again, I digress… It was actually a little heartbreaking to watch her shock that the boys split their vote. Her pleading face was kind of annoying, though. As if she really thought Sheila would vote to keep her. Then she just sorta shuffled around, like someone was going to suddenly save her. < / Natalie Bashing > It was a hard eviction to watch, and even harder was the HOH competition. I literally gave up on the last question. I fell back in my seat, dropped my arms, and said, “Damnit, Ryan…” Then suddenly, Big Brother pulled a Big Brother! When a reality show “fudges” something to assist certain results, I call it “pulling a Big Brother.” It’s like the teacup question, Eric surviving eviction, James getting voted back into the house, and Ryan winning HOH! It’s screwed over all of my favorite houseguests in the past, and it’s about time it helped them! Listen, I don’t agree with it, I don’t even know if it’s actually a conspiracy. But if it’s going to happen, I’ll take what I can get. Kapish?

Whether she’s being made fun of, having pickles thrown in her face, getting ganged up on, or about to be evicted, the Miss Congeniality award goes to…

See, I’m already living up to my promise for a great week of photochops!